"A Few Things I Know"

Marry him because you enjoy him so deeply,
so deeply, that you want to spend the rest of your days
laughing, thinking, talking, and breathing next to him.
And then, love him with all you’ve got.

Marriage has never been easy for me. I can't think of a single 24 hour period where I exclusively thought "I love being married! This is so fun! So easy!" Every day has had really hard moments. Some days have had really wonderful moments too (but it's easier to forget about those). And lately those wonderful moments have been fewer and farther between.

We're working really hard right now to appreciate one another (we're stuck with each other, after all!) and to that end, though I have long appreciated Tricia Lott Williford's blog and her perspective on marriage as a widow, I really appreciated her post today.

[http://tricialottwilliford.com/2015/04/a-few-things-i-know/]

The Ebb and Flow

Wow. Read this. Every word.

God is unchanging, steady, forever. But faith ebbs and flows. It shatters and is reassembled. You are on fire for God and then the fire burns out and you are left angry and ashen and cold.
It’s a road. It’s a journey. It’s a pit. It’s a paradise.

And the thing about marriage – any marriage – is that you are two different people, and there will be times when your faith feels like it’s gone dark and his has not. Or when he is full of doubt and you are lit up with a new grasp of grace.

No one told me that it is possible to feel a little unequally yoked even if you started out with a shared faith. Even if you’re both Christians. Even if you begin the whole thing with a united picture of God.

[http://addiezierman.com/2013/04/03/unequally-yoked-at-deeper-story/]

Bridal Party

You’ll choose friends to stand next to you who are incomparably significant to you in your life right now. They will be there, sequined and smiling. They will be elbowing each other in their black tuxedos and grinning wide. And maybe they will stay in your life for all the years ahead, bolstering this marriage with their friendship and love. But maybe they won’t. Maybe they’ll move away or move on. Maybe your friendship will change, drift apart, fall quietly away. And if that happens, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean that their witness of this moment, this marriage, didn’t matter. It does. This is all just part of growing up.

[http://addiezierman.com/2013/08/08/for-the-one-who-married-young/]

Valentine's Day!

[http://www.lookoutlanding.com/2015/2/14/8021797/some-mariners-themed-valentines-to-give-to-your-loved-ones]

"I forgot to see him..."

"...I forgot to see him as child care relief, as garbage take-out man, as budget keeper. I remembered how much fun he is, how we don’t need entertainment when we go out because we have so much fun just talking. I remembered him: the man I love."

[http://redvinespirituality.com/category/nitty-gritty-marriage]

"I Retreated Again"

Ooof, this blog post, "What Makes Marriage So Hard?", was so convicting to me! Why does anyone get married?!?!? It's sooo difficult to be in relationship with another person!

Choice quotes:

I retreated to my room and felt the anger well up through my stomach past my hard heart and clench its fists around my throat. I had turned fiercely angry.

And:

God graciously, with such tenderness and compassion, opened my eyes to my jealous heart. The problem was me. Not my husband.

"The Gospel is Made for Messes"

"When you put two sinners in close proximity and say, “Don’t either of you leave,” you’re gonna get a mess at some point..."

[http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/gospeldrivenchurch/2014/06/29/happy-18th-to-us/]

Wedding Guests:

That’s the funny thing about weddings. Every person who agrees to be there reveals their love for you. Not just the person holding your hand.

[http://apracticalwedding.com/2013/07/backyard-kemah-texas-wedding/]

"A Practical Guide to Buying an Engagement Ring"

 I found this notion of buying a story profound:

When you’re buying an engagement ring, what you’re really buying is the story. The story of the moment your intention to share a life became public information.

It’s a social signifier that plays an important role in your conception of yourself, in you and your partner’s conception of your relationship, and in the outside world’s perception of you and your relationship.

...figure out the story that you want. (Do this with your partner if it makes sense in the context of your relationship.) Is the story romantic or matter-of-fact? Private, or worthy of a viral video? Is humor a part of your vision? Or is humor totally out of place in this context? Do you see this ring as being about your individuality, or about your participation in a common cultural institution? 

Then, taking your ideas about those questions, figure out what this ideal ring looks like: Do you want a ring that holds its own in the company of your friends’ rings? Do you want a ring that looks unlike anyone else’s? Do you want a classic ring? For many people, it’s important that the ring demonstrate a significant financial commitment to reflect the personal commitment that accompanies the ring. For other people, that’s just not the case. 

So after contemplating these questions, you’ve got some good ideas about: (a) the story you want to tell yourself (and others) about this ring, and your engagement, and (b) how much you care about this story and what financial sacrifices you’re willing to make to make that story a reality.

[http://apracticalwedding.com/2013/06/how-to-buy-an-engagement-ring]

"Evolution of a Feminist Daughter "

This article, "Evolution of a Feminist Daughter" was published a number of years ago by Rebecca Walker. I remember reading it back then, perhaps in particular because I'd recently read The Color Purple and was interested in Alice Walker. (Actually, that may even be the reason I found the article in the first place...)

But it floated up again and I once again found it fascinating. So, if you haven't read enough articles regarding feminism, motherhood, racism, gender, etc., here's another that I consider a "must read":

“Mine is the first generation of women to grow up thinking of children as optional,” Ms. Walker writes in the new book. “We learned that children were not to be pursued at the expense of anything else. A graduate degree in economics, for example, or a life of renunciation, devoted to a Hindu mystic.” 

Children, she writes, “smelled of betrayal and a lack of appreciation for the progress made on behalf of women’s liberation.”

[http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/18/fashion/18walker.html?_r=2&pagewanted=all&]

Mourning Maiden Names

I very much identify with this:

I lost something today. Something valuable to me. 

I suppose that is not right, as I know where it went, and in fact it was I who gave it away. And willingly. But it feels like a loss... My husband does not see it as a loss. For him, it is gain. It is a symbol of all the gains we have made together, all the struggles we have overcome, and our brand new commitment to each other. 

And I agree. For all those things are true. But when I look at that new piece of plastic, with those two words that separately are familiar and now, put together, look strange. I miss the old combination.

[http://apracticalwedding.com/2013/05/mourning-your-maiden-name]

"Being Black, Feminist, Thoroughly Girly, and Conflicted"

Fascinating:

Things that might seem outdated for popular feminism may actually be points of pride for women who have historically been denied access to a certain mode of femininity. If you are a member of a group of women that has been constantly caricatured as mammies and welfare queens, sexually pathologized, and whose inequity has been attributed to broken, abnormal, and matriarchal family structures, then bearing the title of Mrs. and taking your husband’s last name can actually be displays of resistance. If you have grown up seeing constant media reports on the fatherlessness of Black children and the unmarriageability of Black women, then having your father walk you down the aisle and flashing your ring can both be points of pride.

[http://apracticalwedding.com/2013/05/black-feminist-wedding-planning]

Mary and Elizabeth

I appreciated these observations on Mary and Elizabeth:

So when Mary learns that she is pregnant with the Christ child, she then learns too of Elizabeth’s pregnancy – also a miracle. And in the months when her life was most in danger over the questions and accusations of a virgin birth, Mary traveled to live with Elizabeth for three months, until Elizabeth gave birth to John.

What a gift, for Mary to watch and see, up close and personal, the ins and outs of pregnancy, from a woman who also had no biological explanation for this happening within her.

God paved the way, so that she may know.

And as he paved the way for her to know, he was growing John the Baptist within Elizabeth, who would be forever linked to Jesus: paving the way for the Messiah.

"How Many Children Should We Have?"

"How many children should we have?" asks blogger Tim Challies. His post explains how he goes about thinking through the issue and offers a good primer for beginning discussion.

Why Have a Wedding Ceremony?

I wrestled with this question as we talked about getting married.

I find the ideas presented here worth thinking through:

"Why Have a Wedding Ceremony? (Part 1)"

"Why Have a Wedding Ceremony? - Part 2"

Why Not Elope?

I wanted to elope several times throughout our wedding planning process, as abbreviated and simple as it was. But we couldn't and wouldn't, and I think our reasons why are articulated well from this quote from a blogger's brother (on the eve of his wedding):

“So many times, in these months of wedding planning, Kate and I looked at each other and said, ‘Why don’t we just take off to the courthouse and seal this deal? Why the big wedding? What’s the point of all this?’

                                                                                                                                        You. You are the point of all this.

In front of God and these witnesses, Kate and I will promise everything to each other. And right here, right now, I’m inviting you – obligating you, actually – to keep us on track. If you see either of us starting to stray, speak up.

You can say, ‘Hey, I was there. I watched you get married. I listened to those vows. I heard the promises you made to each other on the day. And I expect you to keep them.’

So, perhaps you thought this was just a big party. But you’re far more than guests to us. You’re in on this commitment, too."

And that's also why we were so determined to stay at our reception as long as most of our guests! To celebrate with the very people who had (by witnessing our wedding) promised to hold us accountable to our vows to each other.

[http://tricialottwilliford.wordpress.com/2012/09/07/why-not-elope/]

Conflicted Pregnancy Thoughts

I recently read "On Pregnancy and Privacy and Fear" and I my response was very complicated. I read the first half of the article thinking to myself Oh my. This is it! This is so right! Thinking, I could have written this paragraph. That's exactly how I felt. Want some examples?

Talking about when to announce their pregnancy, the author says,

I want to hold onto my “pre-pregnancy self” as long as possible. I like that self. I like the way people speak to her, react to her. I don’t want things to change. I have enough friends with babies to know how this works. Once you let people know you’re pregnant, you’re entered into lots of conversations about your belly, your weight, your breasts and how you plan on using them, what medications you’ll take, and why you’re right or wrong about them. I don’t want to have these conversations. I like the kinds of conversations I already have.

On why it is so hard to make the news public, she says,

Part of this is about the wedding, the way I ceased to be “Aubrey” and became “The Bride” as soon as Devan and I shared the news of our engagement. It was like my previous self disappeared and all anyone wanted to know was what my dress looked like and what kind of flowers I would carry and what my new name would be.

And, this time around,

I can feel it happening again, the disappearing. Already excited friends and family have written over “Aubrey” with “Mother-to-Be.” I’ve got a book coming out this year and no one’s asked about it since I told them I was pregnant. Of course it’s silly for me to think I can dictate the topic of every conversation. And again, these people are nothing but generous and kind. Their priorities are different than mine, and I can respect that. But sometimes it hurts.

Maybe I should have stopped there. Because I fundamentally disagree with the rest of her "pro-choice" rhetoric about "reproductive freedom".

And that's just the problem. Ultimately, I can't relate to Aubrey Hirsch. We have very different convictions regarding personhood and human rights. However, the people that share my convictions on the value of human life are often the people who are least considerate and understanding of my struggle to be excited about being pregnant or about being married, etc., etc.

Here are several articles on weddings and marriage and feminism and vocabulary, etc. that I've found in the last few weeks.

"Online Etymology: is "DERP" Ableist?" on Offbeat Empire
I really appreciated this post. It's a must read.

When it comes to reader sensitivities about problematic words, I almost always err on the side of extreme caution. The phrase "illegal immigrant" was immediately changed to "undocumented immigrant" when a reader emailed with concerns. When someone thought our use of the word "Tribe" was "problematic and franky racist", I went straight to the source to investigate. Issues of cultural appropriation are always addressed head-on. But DERP? I'm not sure I agree that Derp is ableist.

"Defending "The Cost of Delaying Marriage" on Boundless
This article speaks to the "gift" of life long celibacy. Mohler's question is the most succinct and helpful standard I've read (on this topic).

How do you know if you have this gift? Dr. Albert Mohler, president of The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary and member of Focus' board of directors suggests asking yourself, "Can I go the rest of my life without sex, without the companionship of marriage, without having children and without being bitter about it?" If you answer yes, it's likely you do.

"Confronting Tradition: Weddings and Feminism" on Etsy Weddings

Great article on the cultural spotlight of wedding planning.

But I was never as keenly aware of my feminism as when I got engaged. Culturally, major life transitions have been set up so that the woman has the more visible role.Weddings are the kick-off. After the flurry of excitement when we announced we were getting hitched, things calmed down considerably for my (now) husband David. He got the traditional back slap and “Congrats, man” from friends and then conversation moved on to other things. For me, not so much. Now, mind you, I was pretty excited to talk about pretty wedding stuff with my girlfriends, but what I wasn’t expecting was that I would suddenly be in a very public spotlight.

Overload of Links

Race and Racism

Racist Hunger Games "Fans Are Very Disappointed" on Jezebel
Wow, just wow.

"'Racist' Teen Tweeters Respond" on The Root
A new (favorite?) site: "a daily online magazine that provides thought-provoking commentary on today's news from a variety of black perspectives.

...Anderson also talked to the creator of Hunger Games Tweets, who gave his own analysis of the tweets at issue and said, "I don't necessarily think that teenagers should be publicly crucified for saying dumb things. There are some things, however, that do require a lesson in consequences. Especially with the use of social media. There's a big lesson to be learned here." We agree. Even when it comes to something as silly as the characters in kids' movie, if you're old enough to talk about race in a public forum, then you're old enough to answer for it.

George Lucas' Red Tails from New York Times

A Black Female in a White Man’s World: My Review of Bloodlines by John Piper on Women of God Magazine

I believe in order for anyone to appreciate the black experience one must learn the history. Piper doesn’t stop there. He explores current struggles and arguments both sociological and political. Including references to Bill Cosby and Michael Dyson.

Piper continues by sharing the good news that the gospel is for every tribe and tongue. He also gives hope to the racist, black and white, sharing the power of the gospel to break the power of pride.

"The Most Racist Thing That (N)ever Happened to Me" by Jack from Brooklyn

Once, racism was men in hoods burning a cross on your lawn. It was separate entrances and separate water fountains and the back of the bus, and if people didn’t know their place it was okay to remind them who’s in charge. The great thing about those folks was: at least you knew where you stood. A man with a noose has clear intentions, about as easy to spot as a harvest moon on a clear autumn night. In a best case scenario, with a bit of discretion, you could avoid these people entirely. In a worst case scenario, you could at least defend yourself.

The problem with today’s racism is: nobody ever actually admits to being a racist. Refusal to acknowledge a problem is in fact, tacit compliance.

Modern racism is the insidious undercurrent that keeps classism aloft. It’s city planning that isolates certain neighborhoods, depriving them of civil services. It’s public schools in “low income neighborhoods” with overcrowded classrooms and dangerously outdated facilities. It’s the bank loan for the new business that you don’t get even though your credit is good, because you’re “high risk.” It’s using Jay-Z, Oprah and Michael Jordan as examples to prove race-based income disparity no longer exists.

If overt racism is a noose, institutionalized racism is carbon monoxide: just as lethal but more pervasive and far harder to detect. Trayvon Martin

"Trayvon, My Son and the Black Code" by Jesse Washington

A wonderfully written essay, replete with helpful historical references.

As I explained it, the Code goes like this:

Always pay close attention to your surroundings, son, especially if you are in an affluent neighborhood where black folks are few. Understand that even though you are not a criminal, some people might assume you are, especially if you are wearing certain clothes.

Never argue with police, but protect your dignity and take pride in humility. When confronted by someone with a badge or a gun, do not flee, fight, or put your hands anywhere other than up.

Please don't assume, son, that all white people view you as a threat. America is better than that. Suspicion and bitterness can imprison you. But as a black male, you must go above and beyond to show strangers what type of person you really are.

"When In Doubt, Smear the Dead Kid" on Weigel

It's been fascinating to watch which of the two photos of George Zimmerman have been featured: him in a business suit or him in an orange jumpsuit?

Howard University Trayvon Martin "Am I Suspicious?" Campaign Video

"For Trayvon" on Momastery

Because fear of black people – it’s been ingrained into my subconscious in myriad ways for thirty six years. The most powerful way is the flagrant imbalance of black crime media coverage versus white crime media coverage. I don’t think a black man has ever stolen from me, but I know that white men have stolen thousands of dollars from me in the stock market and mortgage scams. The fact is that I’ve never been offered drugs by a black man. All of my drugs have been offered to me by rich white fraternity boys. In Abercrombie rugbies, not hoodies.

We have to start talking about this. We have to start being honest about how we feel and why we feel it. We need to stop agreeing when people say, “I don’t see color.” C’mon. Lying is not helpful. We see it! It’s there! And so we need safe places to talk and listen and say the wrong things and be forgiven and try again. And once we’ve figured out what’s deep inside us and how it got there, we need to learn how to balance the images and ideas we present to our children – so that their collective subconscious becomes different than ours. Truer. We need scientists and psychologists and movie producers and writers and teachers and parents involved in this peace making process – not just politicians and protesters.

"Stand Your Ground" - Florida Statute

A person is presumed to have held a reasonable fear of imminent peril of death or great bodily harm to himself or herself or another when using defensive force that is intended or likely to cause death or great bodily harm to another if: The person against whom the defensive force was used was in the process of unlawfully and forcefully entering, or had unlawfully and forcibly entered, a dwelling, residence, or occupied vehicle, or if that person had removed or was attempting to remove another against that person’s will from the dwelling, residence, or occupied vehicle. 

What is Known, What Isn’t About Trayvon Martin’s Death on Miami Herald

"...Justice for Black Children" on MyBlackBaby.com
This is a new blog I just found... "A space... created for African American moms looking to lend their critical but all-too-often ignored voices to the national parenting debate."

Regarding the recent arrest of George Zimmerman, she writes: 

...America has a history of letting depraved-minded people who kill black children get away with murder—or at least making it possible to delay prosecution and punishment so that the depraved can go on living their pitiful lives long after they’ve taken those of young African Americans. 

...It is also about making sure that from here on out, everybody—no matter their color, their religion, their cultural, ethnic, economic, social background—understands that Trayvon Martin mattered.

That black children matter.

Food

"Queso Banditos" on Slate
"Taco USA reveals—and appreciates—how Americans co-opted tacos, tamales, tortilla chips, and tequila."

Marriage/Dating

"Would I Officiate a Wedding for Two Unbelievers? Yes" by Deepak Reju

"Should Ministers Officiate at the Weddings of Unbelievers? No" by Al Mohler

"Underage Dating: The Elephant in the Social Conservative Living-Room" by Bryanna Johnson

While social conservatives may proclaim the virtues of pre-marital abstinence and fidelity, their actions don’t line up with their words. They behave as though they expect our young people to embrace or at least abide by the values we preach to them, all the while continuing to direct them in lifestyle choices that foster the opposite principles and attitudes. And we wonder why 95% of Americans admitted to having premarital sex in 2006? Or why it was estimated in 2008 that 40% of all US marriages ended in divorce? Or why 4 in 10 children are born to unwed mothers today? My friends, it’s time for us to wake up and make the connections between the dating scene and the deterioration of the stable American family.
English Literature

"How to Succeed in English Without Really Trying" by Marielle Wakim
This made me laugh. It's good advice.

Genderqueer

Wikipedia's definition of genderqueer:

Genderqueer is a recent attempt to signify gender experiences that do not fit into binary concepts, and refers to a combination of gender identities and sexual orientations. One example could be a person whose gender presentation is sometimes perceived as male, sometimes female, but whose gender identity is female, gender expression is butch, and sexual orientation is lesbian. It suggests nonconformity or mixing of gender stereotypes, conjoining both gender and sexuality, and challenges existing constructions and identities. In the binary sex/gender system, genderqueerness is unintelligible and abjected.

Fairness

"That's Not Fair?" by Barnabas Piper

Sometime over the past few decades a mindset of “fair” has developed, calling for everyone to finish in the exact same place and receive the exact same reward. Fair has become equity in the finish instead of equity in the process. This perspective says a reward is due just for showing up, not because it’s earned. It cheapens real rewards for actual successes, and as it creeps into different areas of life, it undermines valuable assets such as hard work or giftedness.

Real Marriage - Driscolls

I wanted to collect a few reviews:


Susan Wise Bauer:
"Talking About REAL Marriage: Advice from the Driscolls"
"Real Marriage suggests that spouses talk to each other about their emotions, do nice things for each other, cultivate friendship, plan date nights. It points out that sex within marriage is a good thing. It recommends forgiveness, kindness, patience. It gives pretty decent advice... It is unabashedly conservative and complementarian... Like hundreds of evangelical marriage books, Real Marriage uses the Bible to shore up this complementarian point of view. And like thousands of evangelical self-help authors, the Driscolls toss in some highly questionable exegesis... Real Marriage also features a pronounced inability to separate cultural norms from timeless truths... But a misunderstanding of history, like sloppy exegesis, isn't exactly unusual in evangelical literature. Despite these flaws, and a few too many condescending remarks about emotional and fragile females, Real Marriage contains quite a lot of thoroughly helpful material... It turns out, though, that Chapter 10 isn't all that transgressive... And the recommendations can pretty well be summed up in two phrases: Sure, if you both want to, as long as it doesn't cause a problem... What Real Marriage has going for it, in the end, is the only thing it doesn't share with scores of other marriage books: Mark Driscoll... The hype in the press release isn't, ultimately, about Real Marriage; it's about Mark Driscoll..."

Tim Challis:
"The Driscolls and Real Marriage"
"Though Real Marriage weighs in at over 200 pages and 11 chapters, there is one chapter that is going to generate the vast majority of the buzz. I plan to write a review of the whole book closer to the release date. For now, though, I want to reflect on that one chapter."


"Can We ____? and the 1 Corinthians 6:12 Grid"
"The reason I am writing these articles is to (hopefully) show that the grid the Driscolls use to evaluate sex acts that are right or wrong is faulty and that introducing that grid to a marriage could be very harmful. In my last article I showed that the grid does not do an adequate job of evaluating heart motives. Today I want to show that the Driscolls seem to have misunderstood the very passage they use to construct their grid."



Boundless:
"How I Met Mark Driscoll"
"These are normal people, a husband and wife saved by God’s grace who have weathered their share of challenges and confessed their share of sin... It was good for me to see this. For all Mark’s popularity –- for all his podcast subscribers, Twitter followers and rock star reputation –- Mark is a guy who knows he’s not in charge; he makes sure everyone remembers that God runs the show. Out of the spotlight he’s a casual, funny, self-effacing guy. He expects criticism from the public and welcomes rebuke from godly mentors. He’s rough around the edges. He’s still learning to love his wife and kids well. He’s serving his church and drawing boundaries on his time where he can."

"Mark and Grace Driscoll Get Real" (radio interview)
"Mark and Grace Driscoll's marriage should be a bad statistic, but by the grace of God, it's not. They're still together and doing better than ever as they take life and love one day at a time. They're also not afraid to share their journey in hopes of helping other couples avoid the mistakes they made, and their new book Real Marriagereflects much of their story. We talk about some of it here as Mark and Grace unpack themes like friendship, men in marriage, respect, the effects of abuse and other important lessons. Here's a picture of us during the interview. I'll have more once I bully Dave into downloading them off his camera."


**Tim Challis' review of "The Meaning of Marriage" by the Kellers