Unexpected Pregnancy and God's Sovereignty: The Intro

Over the past six months I have started to be a bit more open about my deepest and darkest struggle. At first it was just by secret thought - admitting that *this* really was a hard Thing - and then sentence by halting sentence in a few emails and in a few conversations with very safe people. And then another person that wasn't quite so "safe". And now on *the internet*.

It's very difficult for me to be honest or transparent about This Thing in my life because I'm so frightened of saying (or thinking) anything that will hint at a lack of trust in God or lack of love for my son. And yet, silence is toxic. One of the things that made This Thing so difficult was that it was so isolating. I felt like I didn't have anyone to talk to that had a shared experience of an unexpected pregnancy as a Christian.

So I want to start writing about this. I'm certainly afraid of doing so. It's certainly difficult to make myself do so. But I don't really process anything until I write about it and I need to find a way to articulate something, anything, coherent about This Thing. Nothing else has changed my life as much as This Thing, at least not yet, and I need to testify to God's goodness to me. My unexpected pregnancy has become biggest blessing in my life, both because I love Ezra unspeakable amounts and he brings me the greatest joy I've ever known and because I have learned so much about God and about myself through these last five years.