The Piper Family: A Prodigal Son and Excommunication

John Piper is by far and away my favorite "celebrity" pastor. His faithful and grace-filled preaching has been a great encouragement to me for many years. I think I especially appreciate the fact that he speaks to such a wide variety of subjects - historical, cultural/social, etc.

Even when I disagree with his conclusions, I appreciate both his thought process and his tactful yet clear way of stating his understanding of Scripture.

I am, of course, thrilled with his most recent book (Bloodlines: Race, Cross and the Christian), which I've written about before. But I also really appreciate the things John Piper, as well as his sons Barnabas and Abraham, have said about growing up as Christians, as PKs, rebelling, returning home, loving family members, etc. It's been a great benefit to me as I struggle to make sense of loving exhortation.

So here we go:

Sensationalist headline aside, I really appreciated the take away from this article, "Prodigal Children: If It Can Happen to John Piper, It Can Happen to You", by Marlena Graves: "There's nothing we fallible parents can do to ensure our kids will keep the faith".

In his interviet with Christianity Today, "Q & A: John Piper on Racism, Reconciliation, and Theology after Trayvon Martin's Death", John Piper speaks to Bethany Baptist's excommunication of Abraham:

From then on, for the next four years, he was walking away from the Lord, trying to make a name for himself in disco bars as a guitarist and singer, and just doing anything but destroying himself. We were praying like crazy that he wouldn't get somebody pregnant, or marry the wrong person, or whatever. He came back to the Lord four years later and the church had a beautiful, beautiful restoration service.

John Piper didn't just leave Abraham alone, however.

I was pursuing him constantly through those four years, emailing him every day almost, taking him out to lunch every time he came back to town, trying not to preach at him. Everything in me wanted this kid back.

And his consistent, loving pursuit was effective.

"Let Them Come Home" by Abraham Piper makes me cry every time I read it. Abraham left the church at age nineteen and has written and spoken a number of times about how the next four years of his life were filled with debauchery - and the loving pursuit of his parents.

He offers twelve recommendations for loving your children (with application for loving your siblings or friends), despite their rejection of Christ:

1. Point them to Christ

2. Pray

3. Acknowledge that something is wrong

4. Don’t expect them to be Christlike

5. Welcome them home

6. Plead with them more than you rebuke them

7. Connect them to other believers

8. Respect their friends

9. E-mail them

10. Take them to lunch

11. Take an interest in their pursuits

12. Point them to Christ

He finishes, saying:

The only ultimate reason to pray for them, welcome them, plead with them, eat with them, or take an interest in their interests is so that their eyes will be opened to Jesus Christ.

And not only is He the only point, but He’s the only hope. When they see the wonder of Jesus, satisfaction will be redefined. He Himself will replace the money, or the praise of man, or the high, or the sex that they are staking their eternities on right now. Only His grace can draw them from their perilous pursuits and bind them safely to Him—captive, but satisfied.

God will do this for many. Be faithful and don’t give up.

Of course, this also all raises the question, ""Should A Pastor Continue in Ministry if His Child Proves to Be an Unbeliever?" In this audio clip, John Pipers says, 

When that happened, I went to the elders and I said to them, "Here's the situation. I think my son needs to be pursued by the elders as far as you can, and then he needs to be excommunicated if he doesn't respond." He was 19 years old.

Now if you just absolutize that as "they must be believers" then not only would I have had to resign, but every pastor would have to resign until his children become believers.

So I don't think the point of those stipulations in 1 Timothy and Titus is to lead to the quick resignations of pastors, but to discern whether a man has a maturity and a giftedness to lead a well-ordered family. That's what it's for.

How can you manage the flock if you can't manage your household? And good management doesn't mean perfect outcome. It didn't for God, and it doesn't for us.

Justin Taylor wrote a short but comprehensive article, "Unbelief in an Elder's Children" that addresses this issue as well. 

May a man have children who are unbelievers and yet be appointed or continue as an elder? First Timothy 3:4-5 and Titus 1:6 provoke the question.

There are two primary interpretations. Douglas Wilson summarizes the first view quite succinctly: "if a man’s children fall away from the faith (either doctrinally or morally), he is at that point disqualified from formal ministry in the church." Alexander Strauch suggests the second interpretive option: "The contrast is made not between believing and unbelieving children, but between obedient, respectful children and lawless, uncontrolled children." What is at stake, Strauch suggests, is "the children’s behavior, not their eternal state."

Reading the entire article is a must, but Taylor's conclusion is:

1 Timothy 3 and Titus 1 are referring to the general submission and behavior of the elder’s children. God has so designed the universe that the parental role of disciplinarian, model, authority, and servant-leader generally has a profound effect upon the behavior of the children. Paul does not spell out what this looks like in every case, nor does he spell out all of the specifics of what will disqualify an elder.

Excommunication has been a difficult subject to think through in my own life. I still don't quite understand it or when it's necessary. Ok, that's not really true. I do understand it, but I don't like it. John Piper explains excommunication this way:

This means he is not welcome to be a member of the church, nor to partake of the Lord’s supper. It means that Christians love him, not as a brother, but the way Jesus loved sinners. He lay down his life for them, but welcomed them into his band of disciples only if they took up their cross and followed him.

As he continues on to say, this doesn't seem harsh compared to the Old Testament death penalty.

So it is helpful to think of church discipline as a gigantic step of leniency. We don't kill anyone for “serving other gods.” We simply say: “If you do that, you are not part of us. But we will still lay down our lives for you." 

In fact, it may be helpful to remember that in the beginning all sin was a capital crime.

I especially appreciate this quote:

From that time to this, God has been lenient. It would be good to ask ourselves, “Do you not know that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance”?

So there. A collection of articles and quotes.

To end, I think Barnabas Piper's article "Sinners in a Fishbowl" gives a helpful reminder about children, coming to saving faith (particularly, of course, pastor's kids).

There are circumstances that do make life uniquely challenging for the children of church leaders, and the church itself often unwittingly and carelessly contributes to these.

PKs live in a fishbowl, or at least it feels that way. Everyone in the church knows the names and faces of the pastor’s children. There is never the safety of anonymity. Details of our lives are known by people we recognize only from the church directory. Big church or small church, the same holds true. And while this isn’t inherently harmful or problematic, the fact remains that fishbowls are for fish, not people. It is mighty hard to live a life surrounded by people knowing your every move, romantic interest, misbehavior, athletic triumph (or failure), college choice, and seemingly every other personal detail.

This fishbowl experience magnifies the already elephantine expectations that PKs feel. With people watching every move, what room is there for a mistake? There can be no missteps, no dalliances, no failings. In short, there can be no humanity. See, PKs are no different than anyone else. We sin. We fail. But there is no being normal when everyone is watching.

Pastors are to be models of the Christian life to their congregations. They are to set a standard for a Christlike life. This is part of the job, the mission. The spouses of pastors are called to the same mission and come arm-in-arm. But the kids? They have no say in the matter. They couldn’t possibly know that they too would be expected to be the model of Christian faith and obedience. But that’s reality. That’s just life when you are born into the home of a pastor.

Or born in the home of Christians, or associate with other Christians.

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This is one of the sweetest videos: